I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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