Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
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