Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
