Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
