i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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