You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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