My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
