Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
