I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
