I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
