My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
