apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
