I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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