I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
