You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
