I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
