Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
