I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
