if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
