apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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