Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Randomize
