nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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