you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
