you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
