I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
