there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
