Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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