I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I love you. Go after that dick
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
