I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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