Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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