I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
