Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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