sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
