had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I touched a dick in church today
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
