I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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