he wants to bone in the snuggie
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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