So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
