After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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