Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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