so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
