So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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