We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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