I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You are a genius and a whore.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
