I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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