I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
