i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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