We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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