i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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