You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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