Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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